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Alucard's Movie Reviews

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1 Alucard's Movie Reviews on Sun Dec 05, 2010 6:08 am

Alright, I'm feeling a bit bitchy, so I wanted to do this. Lately, there's been quite a few movies coming out. My mom always says "Oh, I heard this movie is good" and blablabla stuff like that, and to be honest I really think the best judge is yourself.

With a mother that likes watching repetitive drama shows 24/7 and Twilight as well as having a dad who finds the absolute worst comedies funny, I feel I have the best taste in movies out of the whole family (no, my shitebag brother doesn't count, but if he did he's the zombie fanatic). It just bothers me they like the drivel they watch, and I wanted to start reviewing things I see.

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First up on my list of reviews is Karate Kid (the remake), which is the reason I thought of doing this. Oh boy, I have quite a bit to say about this, but to save you the trouble of reading through my review expecting good if you like it, I'll simply say this: I didn't like it. At all.

Before you hate me and claim I'm a racist and all that stuff, hear me out. There are valid reasons I didn't like this movie (Past the bitter mood I got of my mom snobbishly saying she didn't want to watch Scott Pilgrim). I'll make my points and explain.

-Lack of action; when there is action its poorly shot
-Terrible stereotypes and annoying characters
-No relevance to the original aside from basic premise
-Needless and irrelevant "character development" and scenes
-Overall uninteresting and boring

Starting with order of importance, I'm going to save my little essay of how I hate the characters for the invisible man across the street who reads my overly long literature and ramblings. I'm not a racist in any way, and I'm a very open person, but this movie was just full of annoying stereotypes and characters I couldn't get attached to. Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi was probably the best role, and kudos to Will Smith's kid for pulling off a good performance. Its a shame he had to deal with his character.

The annoyingly black mother who keeps making all those stereotypical overused black woman "Oh nu uh!" and "OH MAH GAWD" faces whenever she's in a scene as well as her bitchy attitude really annoyed me since it feels like she's trying to be comic relief when she isn't.

Another one that really annoyed me was the fact he just so happens to end up making enemies by the 5 or so kids in the whole area who just so happen to be the best martial artists around. I swear that if I EVER went to China and saw a kid get hit in the face and do a double spin and recover with a hand spring the moment he touches the ground, that kid is way too damn good. That scene was so unbelievable it was like they're following the Asian stereotype that everyone knows Kung Fu.

...Which brings me to a minor point, but one that continues to bother me: IT'S NOT KARATE. I can understand that maybe, MAYBE this was trying to live in spirit of the original, but the fact they throw it in your face its Kung Fu every chance they get (the kid even correcting his mother when she says Karate), that bothered the Hell out of me. And because its important but my point is short, I'll be blunt; the actino scenes were TERRIBLY shot. My biggest gripe was the final Tournament at the end. The action was so quickly cut and shot so blurry and shaky I couldn't tell when they were scoring. Sometimes they'd get hit or get pushed away, but they didn't score and it was a cluster f*** of annoying confusing moments.

And when there isn't action, there's nothing but boring character development. The only people I saw transform in this movie was the main kid, which may be the point, but it should have more than that when there's so many people involved with this one kid. The girl pretty much likes him from the beginning and has no importance, and even with Jackie's character's tragic little back story, it had absolutely no bearing on anything and was entirely pointless like they wanted to randomly throw in a tear-jerking moment where he goes "Oh by the way, I have skeletons in the closet, so let's go be sad for no reason."

There was just so much talking and unnecessary scenes. The montage of him training and improving was something that was interesting, but everything else just felt like filler, like so many Naruto episodes in the anime; We want the meat of the show, not things that won't be important later. Also, That fucking little bastard Cheng, the main antagonist of the movie, EVERY SCENE that Will Smith's kid is in the same place as him, he's ALWAYS staring at him, whether it be at training or in school or on the streets. It annoyed me to no end how this kid stares at this kid way too much like he's either that much of an annoying cunt or he's getting a gay hard on.

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To wrap it up, I just didn't find the appeal in this movie. All my points above speak for themself, and really it just felt boring. My mother seemed amused by it, but I just can't see why. I tried giving it a chance, too bad it failed to satisfy me. She wanted us to see it because she was told it was a good movie, but then again someone told her The Last Airbender was good too, so maybe they're just being total assholes who like lying to her since she believes other people when they say things are good.


{My Rating: Boring and unnecessary}
Entertainment Value: Drags out and is boring
Recommendation: Can't say I recommend it
Unnecessary comment: Asian kids are hostile mofos

Okay, that's my review. Feel free to either agree with me or hate on me and claim I have no tastes.





{Coming Soon: either Unstoppable or Tron Legacy}

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2 Re: Alucard's Movie Reviews on Fri Dec 10, 2010 7:33 pm

Actually very helpful, this was Razz "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" at karate => kung fu though, seriously. And you should really do Tron: Legacy! I'm itching to see it.

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